Towel Rack 1, Christine 0

Pain is very often associated with MS. So far, I've been fortunate not to experience the debilitating pain that many suffer with. Let me clarify. I haven't experienced a lot of pain in direct relation to MS. In relation to my recent increased clumsiness, I've taken pain to a new level.

Last night, as usual, just before crawling into bed I paid a quick visit to the washroom. Somehow I lost my footing and ended up doing a face plant into the towel rack. I didn't just hit the towel rod, I smashed into the corner of the rack. The orbital bone above my left eye took the full impact. After the tears and swearing I finally lifted my hands from my face fully expecting to see blood or remnants of my eyeball. Pleasantly surprised at the lack of carnage, but still writhing in pain, I groped my way to the kitchen for an ice cube and some Advil.

Oh my goodness, the pain was so bad that I couldn't see straight. So, after holding the ice to my eye for a few minutes and with the Advil happily dissolving in my system, I crawled into bed.

My face was only throbbing a little when I went to bed. By 1:00 am it was throbbing a lot. Didn't it know that sleep is critical in coping with MS? Didn't it know that I had to get up at 5:30 am to give Andy his bottle? Didn't it know that... throb throb throb... No, it was neither aware nor did it care if I was in agony.

After a very restless sleep I awoke at 5:30 am. Shockingly, my eye wasn't black and blue, as I had expected, just a little swollen. Extremely tender, but not noticeably damaged. I'm sure nobody at the office will even notice that my eyelid is uber-puffy. Aside from the continuing pain and tenderness I think I've come out of my fight with the towel rack relatively unscathed.

Diagnosis of Relapse Remitting MS

The day has come. All too soon.

Yesterday afternoon my neurologist, Dr Traboulsee diagnosed me with Relapsing Remitting MS. Along with the diagnosis comes options for treatment. Yay! I'm quite optimistic that at least I can focus on something positive now instead of dreading every little twinge and being afraid of what's happening with my body.

I'll discuss the treatment options in another entry - I'm too tired right now to write an articulate summary.

MS Clinic Appointment Tomorrow Afternoon

After discussing my symptoms with Jane at the MS Clinic, they've set up an appointment for me for 3:30 on Thursday (tomorrow). I won't be seeing Dr. Traboulsee this time, I'll be meeting with Dr. Devonshire. Jane advised that I'll need a new referral from my GP to see Dr. Devonshire. Sheesh.

The medical system certainly has a lot of bureaucratic hoops for doctors/nurses/patients to jump through, but as I was just at the MS Clinic in July. I wouldn't have thought that they'd require another referral for an appointment so soon. However, I do my very best to jump through hoops and I've already visited my usual doctor at the clinic and he's assured me that the referral will be processed today.

Now, as to the symptoms: at its worst last night, my left hand and arm felt like they'd been covered in a glove, restricting how much I could feel. My strength had been greatly diminished as well. Normally I would have no problem picking up a pot from the stove, but I had difficulty lifting the pot of scrambled eggs when serving the meal. I needed to rest the pot on the table and tip it over to scoop out the eggs. Also, I was unable to get a strong grip on my small watering jug to water the baskets at the front of the house. These two things seem so minor and I'd love to just dismiss them, but I feel that I would be fooling nobody but myself if I didn't acknowledge my symptoms.

Emotionally, I'm right on the edge. I feel like I could burst into tears at any given moment. An injured animal - sniff. A child suffering from just about anything - sniff, sniff. The death or terminal illness of other that I don't even know - bring out the tissues, I'm tearing up. Crikey - I'm a mess. When I take a moment or two to consider my own situation I crumble into a heap.

I thought I'd take a moment to share an image that gives me peace amidst all the stress these days. It's called the Great Turf by Durer. Lowly weeds and grasses have been rendered beautiful. There's a sense of grace, balance and depth. The subject hasn't been treated in a manner to elevate it to another level, it hasn't been made to look pretty or elegant. It's just a patch of weeds, and it is perfectly acceptable. I love the diversity of the plants, the sense of movement with the blades of grass. I can almost feel the slight breeze that appears to be playing with the dandelion flower buds which look as they're about to burst open.

Take a moment in your own day to find something of beauty, something peaceful, something that makes you feel good.

Made the Call

Today is day #2 of the terrifying tingling/numbness in my left hand.

I wait for them to call me back.

I'm Okay - Really

Yesterday, I was clearly not in a very positive frame of mind.

I'm feeling much better today.

I've spoken to the MS Clinic and they've put my mind at ease...

My bloodwork for determining whether or not I have Devic's (Neuromyelitis Optica) will take approximately three months to process. It will be processed in Japan and unless the results are alarming, I won't be reviewing them until my MS Clinic appointment on February 5th, 2013. Alarming would be a confirmation of Devic's, thus ruling out MS. I'm okay with waiting.

The MRI results from my visit on Sunday evening should be processed by the end of next week, again with no rush on follow-up. This MRI is providing a baseline as to what is happening in the rest of my central nervous system from the head down. Again, I'm okay with waiting.

Concerning the relapse symptoms... I'm on the fence. I feel uncomfortable telling the nurse that I think bugs are biting me. I'm also thinking that the exhaustion could be due to Andy's not having a good night's sleep in a while.

Anyhow, things are okay. I'm just going to be patient for now.

brutal reality of my state of mind

Here are a few notes I joted down while debating whether or not to pick up the phone (freewriting at its worst)
___________________________________________

feeling like bugs are biting me
having to go to the bathroom more than usual
waking up feeling like I haven't slept a wink
completely exhausted almost all the time
having difficulty thinking/analysing/finding the right word

should i call them? should i not call them?

will the ms clinic call me when they have my bloodwork and mri results in? what is the date for my appointment in february 2013? why am i having such a hard time with this?

i just want to cry. voicemail hell, which button do i push? why can't i just get through to a person? i feel stupid enough calling in the first place, i hate my life right now what the hell is going on?    i just want this to be over and i know it never will be until i die.

___________________________________________

What a baby I am these days. God help me.

Almost Asleep at Work and Not Thinking Clearly

If I could put my head down and have a nap, I thing I would. Seriously, I'm having a difficult time staying awake. Perhaps yet another cup of tea will help keep me on the plus side of consiousness. Nobody would notice if I just had a little catnap in my office, would they? The last thing I need right now is to have a photo of me sleeping circulating the office. Sheesh.

Now, if only I could think my way through some Payables. I'm trying to process some invoices involving prepaid expenses and accrued expenses. In the past these have never been difficult to understand, but today... Ugh. Perhaps I'll work on something mindless this afternoon and tackle the more taxing items first thing tomorrow morning.

Hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight. Lately, it seems that almost every morning I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed the evening before.

Reluctant though I am to admit my need to call the MS Clinic, the reality that I need to call is sinking in. Being in denial about what is happening to me is fine when I feel good, but if acknowleging an illness will lead me in the direction of feeling better, I'd be a simpleton not to take that opportunity. However, making a call regarding my health and the fear of a confirmation of a diagnosis (can't even type the words, they're so frightening) has me sitting here staring at the phone in a frozen state of procrastination. Should I call now? Tomorrow? How about Monday?

How Are You?

I feel like I'm on high alert these days. Waiting, yet dreading, a second relapse. A second relapse would confirm a diagnosis of MS as far as my doctors are concerned (not me of course - I'm still deeply entrenched in denial).

Every little twinge of unusual pain, however, makes me wonder if round two is beginning. Interpret 'unusual pain' as bruising not inflicted by my head-butting 1 1/2 year old, or as a result of my usual amount of uncoordinated stumbling about. Trips to the go to the bathroom have also become slightly alarming. Did I used to go pee so much?

To top it all off, I think I'm in almost constant "pseudo relapse" mode due to my lack of sleep and fretting. My focus and colours vary on a day to day basis. I hardly know how to answer when people ask how I'm doing. What do I say? "Well... today the greens are psychedelic and the reds are piercingly bright, to the point of drowning out the amber shield surrounding the traffic light. Oh, and I think my focus isn't fantastic, it was slightly better yesterday." Sensing that this would both bore and confuse people, I instead reply with: "I'm feeling great today. How're you?"

On the upside, I now go for hours without even thinking about the mystery surrounding my health. Overall, I feel great.